Treating your kids like livestock may seem like strange advice from a farm succession expert — but that depends on how you treat your cattle, says Reg Shandro.
“I love the saying of one of my clients, ‘I want to handle my kids like I handle my cows. I want to open the gate and if they want to come back to the farm I want them to follow me. I don’t want to scream or holler at them so they come home,” Shandro said at the CrossRoads Crop Conference last month.
However, farm families often fail to develop the life tools that are not only key to passing on a farm, but having a happier life in general.
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“I’ve seen farms that make an incredible amount of money but they can’t say hi to each other and the farm is unsustainable. That’s where the succession planning topic goes off the rails.”
Improving communication is the key to “cultivating” a farm family, said the Lacombe-based advisor.
“Someone I know once said, ‘Our goal is to protect our family because if our family and farm needs aren’t met, then we’re likely going to lose the farm anyway.’ If the farm becomes a living, breathing beast and the identity of the farm trumps the personalities of the members of the family, you have a massive challenge ahead.”
In his presentation, Shandro offered several tips:
Get away from the farm
Kids should want to return to the farm because they love farming, not because they’re coerced. “I remember an 18-year-old who was homeschooled and his dad answered all the questions for him. I asked him what he wants to do and his dad said, ‘He wants to farm.’ I was like ‘How does he know? He’s never done anything else.’”
Young adults need experience away from the farm, he said.
“It’s paramount that your successor leaves three to five years before they come back. They’ve got to go make mistakes on other peoples’ money. They’ve got to broaden their horizons, possibly find a spouse and bring one back to the farm.
“As parents you have to let them be who they need to be. We’re not like swine where we raise multiple litters and theoretically improve our conduct and behaviour and have more successful litters. It’s not that way. You’ve got one litter and then it’s live theater.”
You can be your kids’ friend
There’s a popular school of thought that says parents shouldn’t be their kids’ friend. But it’s a non-starter when it comes to how children view their parents, said Shandro.“It’s the law of attraction/repulsion. You make me feel good, I come closer. And if I can’t stand you, I don’t come closer. It’s just innate in our being. You’re going to go to the people and the places where you feel better just naturally.
“So if you transition from the role of a parent to the role of a friend, I think you’re going to be more successful.”
Or to put it more succinctly: Be likeable.
“Only love something that loves you back. Cows don’t count, machinery doesn’t count. If you need six pallbearers, they’ve got to come from somewhere.”
Generational differences are nothing new
Every older generation is alarmed by the younger one. They fret over their perceived laziness, their strange youth culture, their habits … and their ability to successfully take over and run the family business.But these are very, very old concerns. And generation after generation they prove to be wrong, said Shandro.
“About 2,400 years ago Socrates wrote, ‘The children now love luxury. They have bad manners and contempt for authority. They show disrespect for elders and love chatter in places of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servant of their households.’
“And in the 8th century (BC) we see a guy named Hesiod wrote, ‘I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous youth of today, for certainty all youth are reckless beyond words. When I was a boy, we were taught to be discrete and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise and impatient of restraint.’”
Learn by doing
It’s the motto of the 4-H program, and there’s a reason why kids who went through 4-H are highly coveted in the work world, said Shandro.“You won’t remember anything unless you emotionally process it. Give the next generation as many experiences as they can. There’s nothing worse than watching parents say ‘I’ll do it for you — you might get hurt.’ Let them get hurt. Let them fall down. We overprotect our children and then this common sense thing doesn’t quite evolve to the levels maybe it should be.”
You’ll make mistakes
Forgiveness is a powerful tool. In fact, it’s the very foundation of cultivating a family — farm or otherwise, said Shandro, who is a father of five.“Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong,” he said. “The first thing we should do is teach our kids to forgive their parents. I didn’t do everything right — I learned by doing. I made some mistakes.”
In the process of making those mistakes, you learn from your kids.
“There’s this little premise that kids owe their parents a whole bunch of things, but you owe your kids a lot too because they do a lot of things for you — especially during the dark and hard times.”
Holding on to grievances is a complete waste of time and energy, he said.
“Holding a grudge is like taking poison and hoping your enemy dies. You have to ask yourself what is the cost of holding on to this resentment and how long am I willing to pay the price?
“So stuff happens. But at the end of the day — and I’m not a Pollyanna type person — it’s either you got to forgive and get rid of the poison or it’s a death by a thousand cuts.”
Put your phone in its place
Smartphones and social media have become a love/hate proposition. They can be powerful tools for information, but they can also become considerable wastes of time at the expense of life experiences. And that can happen very easily.“I’m looking down at my phone and (I find out) I’m spending three hours and 20 minutes per day on it. Do your own math on what a waste of time that is,” said Shandro.
“You only have so much time in your bank account. You only have so many seconds, you only have so many hours in your life. An Indigenous saying goes, ‘When the sun goes down, you never get the previous day back.’”
Shandro quoted an associate who compares a computer to a hammer: “You can use it to build a house or you can use it to kill someone. You have to manage it like a hammer.”
